Clean

Tonight I decided to undergo at least part of the Herculean task of cleaning out the underneath of my bed. I figured I'd find a lot of treasures, and I was not disappointed. I found papers that I had scoured for hours for last year, and which almost cost me graduating from high school. I found a notebook from the summer before my sophomore year when I dieted obsessively, chronicalling every calorie I ate. I found a full pack of cigarettes. I also found this, written about 3 years ago about the summer after my 8th grade year:

"When I walked down my driveway on that unusually beautiful February day, I noticed something unusual - my dad was in the driveway washing the car.

I would like to say that if I could have foreseen the horror, pain, and ______ [I didn't put a word in here] ahead, I would have left. In 2002, I would have stayed with my Aunt or Grandmother when I saw them that summer. Or, in 2004, I would have taken the chance to give up the Governors School and stay with my Aunt in South Carolina after staying with her all summer, and experiencing some semblance of normalcy.

But I wouldn't have, and I have still never left hell. Not because I am brave or strong, and I want to tough out the rough times with my family, but because I am weak. If I could have known then how things would end up, I simply would not have believed it. How can, in five years, a person go from a quiet kid from a solidly middle-class family with loving parents to near-insanity and relying on the charity of others to survive? Truthfully, if I had known, I would have refused to accept what would happen to me- much the same way I am now.

Is ignorance really bliss?"


I know this sucks but I really still write the same way I do now, it's strange. Just for background info, my dad lost his job in 2002 which lead to a downward spiral of alcoholism, deranged behavior from all, us losing our house, and me becoming a religious fanatic as a way to cope.

Fun stuff, all brought up under my fucking bed.