What

I haven't updated this in forever because I don't have any good stories, except for ones that I'm tired of telling.
We're finally moved in but on a precarious perch.

My dog is gone.

My mother was functioning really well with the move until this weekend, buying us house supplies and being really supportive. I came home tonight to get some stuff, and I told her about our idea for a present for her- getting her a new tattoo in DC. She refused the present and then offered me whatever money was in her wallet, almost in tears. She never really thought we were leaving, and now we are gone and theres just... nothing. I am fucking torn. I never doubted anything until now, and now I can't doubt because this is right, and now I'm fucking crying in the goddamn library because I already miss her.

On top of this, someone I've had a pretty fucked up relationship with but whom I trusted as a friend fucked me over for the last time this week. I am DONE.


It's been a pretty bad week, minus 1202.

Clean

Tonight I decided to undergo at least part of the Herculean task of cleaning out the underneath of my bed. I figured I'd find a lot of treasures, and I was not disappointed. I found papers that I had scoured for hours for last year, and which almost cost me graduating from high school. I found a notebook from the summer before my sophomore year when I dieted obsessively, chronicalling every calorie I ate. I found a full pack of cigarettes. I also found this, written about 3 years ago about the summer after my 8th grade year:

"When I walked down my driveway on that unusually beautiful February day, I noticed something unusual - my dad was in the driveway washing the car.

I would like to say that if I could have foreseen the horror, pain, and ______ [I didn't put a word in here] ahead, I would have left. In 2002, I would have stayed with my Aunt or Grandmother when I saw them that summer. Or, in 2004, I would have taken the chance to give up the Governors School and stay with my Aunt in South Carolina after staying with her all summer, and experiencing some semblance of normalcy.

But I wouldn't have, and I have still never left hell. Not because I am brave or strong, and I want to tough out the rough times with my family, but because I am weak. If I could have known then how things would end up, I simply would not have believed it. How can, in five years, a person go from a quiet kid from a solidly middle-class family with loving parents to near-insanity and relying on the charity of others to survive? Truthfully, if I had known, I would have refused to accept what would happen to me- much the same way I am now.

Is ignorance really bliss?"


I know this sucks but I really still write the same way I do now, it's strange. Just for background info, my dad lost his job in 2002 which lead to a downward spiral of alcoholism, deranged behavior from all, us losing our house, and me becoming a religious fanatic as a way to cope.

Fun stuff, all brought up under my fucking bed.

Alert the Internet

I'm getting clean and getting a house.

And still finding ways to be a fuckup.

On the bright side, I remembered this week why I love my parents. Today, I told the mother about us moving out, and, after being completely nonplussed and claiming ownership of the dog because 'you all aren't going to take care of her' (thank God, good riddance), proceeded to start gathering up, sorting, and packing our kitchen items without being asked while Bianca and I went out.

Sometimes I like school

I borrowed Bianca's USB drive today because mine is missing to save a powerpoint for history class. Knowing Bianca's fondness for crude pictures, I did a brief scan of the mostly photograph-containing drive and found nothing offensive at the top, presumably the only area visible as I select my powerpoint in front of the class on the projector. The only picture I found was a picture of our "friend", professional douchebag Ryan, in a gay-porn style cowboy hat and a rather homoerotic grin, appropriately titled "homo". Fearing this may offend or embarrass someone, I move the picture to the bottom of the icon tiles, and move my powerpoint to the top.


Once in class, I go up and front and begin to open up the powerpoint when I first realize that my powerpoint is not at the top anymore. What is instead at the top of the icon tiles is a full-folder icon preview of a real-life ass. As I hastily scrolled down to avoid the ass, hoping that no one noticed, I encounter the 'homo' picture of Ryan. One student comments "I like that picture of the guy named homo"
I begin somewhat nervous banter, and scroll up again only to encounter the ass yet again. This time my teacher, obviously a former New England liberal arts college hippie, notices.
"Do you want me to no-show it?" I begged.
"See the problem is, it won't turn back on."

While I hastily try to resolve the situation by blurting something about how I borrowed my friend's USB drive and had no idea of what else of awfulness she may have put on it, my teacher saves the day.

"Oh dear... well maybe just don't tell her that we saw that, and we'll all close our eyes so you can open the powerpoint."
While my professor and most of the class oblige me, I brush my shoulders off, open the powerpoint, and commence presenting.


Later, I text Bianca about the mishap.
"Dude, you know that was my ass right? From when ______ bit me"
"Well, I guess 19 people just saw your ass then."

She thought it was hilarious.